by Mark Cox

Chapter 3: Incident at Wingate

“Captain’s Log Stardate 26436.74:

The Enterprise has arrived at the uncharted planet of Tilonus IV for yet another exploratory mission which Mr. Spock has logically predicted will not go to plan. On a lighter note it is a great privelege to welcome aboard Ensign Wingate who will be observing the various elements of our ship and crew before assuming an important post in our accounts department.”

Andrew looked around the bridge. So this was the legendary Enterprise which went where no man had gone before. For some reason there were several people walking around with clipboards writing in them and getting people to sign them:

“So you’ve got a machine, that’s good. And it works well? Excellent. Could you sign here please.”

Captain Kirk was quite a solid person with flair as he would go “Captain’s Log SUPPLEMENTAL.”

Also there was of course Mr. Spock with his flashing blue bulb scanner but he did have his moments:

“Captain, we will all be dead in 0.2 of a second. Oh, I should have spoken earlier.”

However it soon became evident of animosity building up between Spock and Uhura, for when Spock used his scanner, she would scream out

“Captain!! Spock’s eating a twix, he’s eating a twix!!”

Uhura would take advantage of the fact that Spock, being a Vulcan could never get angry, and she did this by constantly stamping on his foot:

“Ouch!! Uhura you bi... Ahem. Captain, Uhura is disrupting me.”

But the classical prank she ever played was when she placed shoe polish around his scanner, knowing he would put his face into it:

“Uurgh!! Uhura you did this you co... Captain I’m not happy.”

Uhura on the other hand was quite elegant as she was all fingers:

“Captain it’s Starfleet Command on third finger, the klingons on second finger, your mum on fourth finger.”

The best kudos though went to Sulu and Chekov who drove the Enterprise with two steering wheels and they had to be the first on the bridge at the crack of dawn:

“Brr, it’s freezing. Chekov get some heating on.”

Occasionally though when they had gone past their destination, they had to back the Enterprise up:

“Kapitain Kirk, please mind your head.”

The officer which Andrew felt the most sympathy was Scotty who always have the same words to say everytime:

“Ach no. Not the same script. No Captain, I cannae do that Captain, its impossible Captain, you cannae change the laws of physics Captain.”

“But Scotty I need warp six in ten seconds or we’re all dead.”

“I tell you what, I can give you thirty miles an hour in eighteen days.”

Andrew’s most memorable time though, was when he was allowed to accompany the away team of all the ship’s senior staff down to Tilonus Iv . There was however one problem. Captain Kirk and his staff were quite safe as they were guaranteed to return, Andrew however was a new person and since the others were wearing blue and Andrew was in red with a target on the front, things did not look so rosy.

“Hello Ensign, what are you doing here from accounts?” asked Kirk,

“I’ve been sent by my department as budget control,” replied Andrew, “the last away team took five hundred packed lunches but had only two people.”

When the team beamed down, it was the same patch of sand with boulders scattered behind them.

“Captain, I have a strong sense of deja-vu.”

Suddenly they were set upon by a tribe of barbarians.

“AAARRGGHH!!!!! CHARGE!!!! GET THEM!!!!”

and so the team drew their phasers ready to do battle and die in combat.

Andrew however, had not been idle during his tour of Engineering. He believed that phasers should not have just two settings, stun and kill, but as many as possible. And so, using the best of 23rd Century technology, he applied his skills to the task. One was the limp setting:

“AAARRGGGHHH!!! OUCH!!! Oh no! Their using limp on us. Oh I can’t walk straight.”

Another was temporary partial sight setting: “AAAAARRRGGGHHWWWOOOAAaaahhhh. Is that you Agnes?”

Yet another (he worked out hundreds so bear with me,) was depression setting:

“AAARRRRGGGGGHHHOOOooohhh. Forget it. Life’s not worth it anymore.”

Another was Sudden interest in Botany setting:

“AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH. Oooh.”

But the setting Kirk and his team decided to use was the Left the oven on at home setting:

“AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!! Oh shit!!”

That’s all folks...

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